First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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