You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
