I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
