Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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