the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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