I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I bet he comes in French.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
