Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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