You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
