Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
