I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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