also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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