omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
