So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How external is "for external use only"?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
