he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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