i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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