How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
