I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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