god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
