I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
