So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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