you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
