and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
