Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My cat gives me a boner
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
