he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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