i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
