You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
