why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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