Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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