the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
