the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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