she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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