I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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