The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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