Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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