I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
