If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
