i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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