I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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