After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
