Do you still have your period?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
