he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
