if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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