There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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