so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
