He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
