I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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