The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
