Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Even my vagina gasped.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
