Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
