my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
