I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
