i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
