I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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