Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
