I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
