She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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