Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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