she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
