i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That accounts for only three of the penises
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
