i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The ass gains better be worth it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
