im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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