20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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