you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When are your genitals available?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
