Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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