How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Randomize
