he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
