My room smells like vodka and shame
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
