addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You pole danced in your parka.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
