dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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